Who am I and what have I done with myself?

Today I had this thought.  It’s like I was trying to wake up after a really long nap.  You know, like you can’t really figure out where you are and why you are there.  You wonder how you got there and from where you might have gotten there from. You look at your life and wonder about all those things you once thought you were going to do and be and realize you haven’t really thought about them for a long, long time.  

It’s like the energy and motivation that used to propel you towards something has burned out like a star that never went super-nova.  It just slowly shrank away and although you noticed that the motivations weren’t as strong as they used to be, you didn’t really much care.  Sure, occasionally you tried  to flare them up, like mental hemorrhoids,  and tried to get yourself motivated by the things that once seemed so important…and then you realize that you don’t feel that way anymore…and you just let  yourself shrink.

In reality, I don’t know if it’s really ‘shrinking’, it’s more like you stretched a different direction and those old motivations were swallowed up by the necessities of NOW.   Then those necessities took so much effort and time that you just simply didn’t have the bandwidth to go all super-nova.  You didn’t really have the mass anymore,  because REAL things truly NEEDED your energy and passion more than your dreams and desires did.  Reality became your focus.  And you did it willingly.  And it’s all OK.  

After a time, the dreams and desires have stretched way far away.  Then, after still more time, you realize that the NEEDS have dissipated, and the elasticity of your old dreams start to pull you back…and you start to see those things that had shrunk way off in the distance and something in you starts to stir again.  You start to wake up.  You can see old dreams in the distance and you feel the pull.  They morph into something new again and you know that they really didn’t leave at all.  They didn’t flame out.  They are still there, waiting,  like a faithful dog or a long time friend.


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